My mother is my first love. I remember just loving her so much as a child. When she was here to help me wait for Noah Bleu to be born we were talking about how I didn't hate her or feel badly towards her until around middle school. My friends hated their mother so it was only natural I would soon follow. Add in that they were allowed to do things I wasn't and soon our relationship was a war zone. I told her I so wish she would have homeschooled me. I can never regain those lost years when our relationship was tense and I thought she was mean because she wouldn't let me do what everyone else was doing. It makes me sad. If I could I would go back and stay home and just love on my mama all day.
When I was a very little girl she didn't work. I remember going places with her and how fun it was. I so enjoyed her time. When I went to school she was a room mother and she made cakes for my class and was always there. In elementary I was allowed to adore my mother. I thought she was amazing. Cause she was.
When she would leave me at my grandmother's house I would cry and cry for her. I wanted her back and I wanted her back right then. I remember my Ninny Jackson always trying to help me be ok while she was away. She would hold me in her lap and scream, "Mommy, where are you mommy! You must come and get your baby. MOMMY!" She was so silly and this would help me forget for a moment and giggle.
When I told my mother this during her last visit she and I just cried. She said, "Why didn't you tell me, I would have never left you again!" Ha ha. I told her I didn't know to tell her. Once she was back I was happy. No need to go over the details of my wailing away for an hour or so for my lost love. HA HA
My mother is a person who loves deeply, fights for those she loves, and will easily forgive you. I have never seen her hold a grudge. She can be angry and upset with someone of course, but it is always short lived.
My mother was pregnant with me in highschool. She had me when she was six months pregnant and she never left my side. She would go to the hospital chapel and pray for me to live....to just live. The doctors told her I would never make it. She just prayed. She said she refused to believe them, to let me go.
I love the story of how our love affair began. She a young mother, six months pregnant, up to use the bathroom in the morning. Her membranes rupture. They rush to the closest hospital and are turned away because they do not have an NICU to save me once I am out. The doctor jumps in the car and sits with my mother trying to hold me in! As we are pulling up to the second hospital I am crowning.
Can you imagine the fear? I think about her looking at me tiny with so much stacked against me. My own babies were so fat and HUGE, so ready for the world were they. I was this little tiny thing that really had no chance in the world. My mother prayed. She believed.
I know her love and HER prayers are what spared my life. Her heart cry to God is what made him intervene. Think about that. A mother's love is so much. No words can describe that love. It isn't a fickle romance or a passing moment in the heart. It is an all consuming and powerful love. it is to ME the only love that can even come close to the heart that God has for us. We are his children. And even MEN can't love that way. A mother is special. She is a gift. No one will ever love you with a fire so deep and so pure. She will give you her own blood til the last drop if it would preserve you.
Even mommy animals will push that baby out of the way and gladly take what is coming on herself. That is in essence a love like Jesus. Only his love is bigger. No one else comes close. No one is going to die for you and need you here in this world more than your mother and your God.
So that is why she is my first Valentine of the month.
I would love to pack up, drive there, and cuddle in her arms on this stormy day. To hear her laugh. To know that I am adored. To be delighted in.
I may need to get pregnant in order to get her here for a month again. It would be worth it! A new baby of my own and my mommy. :)
I thank God for the first person, my mother, that loved me. Through her I learned what love was before I even knew of my God. I delighted in her kisses and hugged her close when I was scared. I always wanted more of her love. Needed it. How stingy we children are...taking...taking...taking... Until one bright day...we give.
Today I give, Mommy, Will you be my Valentine this year and for always and forever?